"Your Baby Is Not a Construction Worker"

A sign we saw en route to "Baby Beginnings" class.
Despite the misspelling, it echoed my feelings exactly.

There are some scary things that could go wrong with a newborn, but many other things that could - and likely will - go weird.

We went to our first birth class at Delaware County Memorial Hospital last night, titled "Baby Beginnings." It lasted two-and-a-half-hours, about 30 minutes of which were a blow-by-blow of ways a newborn baby might look funky (white flakes, white spots, dented head, blue hands, etc.) which were illustrated with visual aides from the 1980s.

The spunky and hilarious nurse (a mother of four, herself) who taught the class shared hard facts along with her "mama-knowledge," such as the advice for moms to wear a bra the first time she has sex with her partner. Otherwise, she said, prepare for your partner to get sprayed with breast milk. (Her impersonation of the noises and gestures her husband made while unexpectedly doused in coitus-induced breast milk was the comic highlight of the class.) This happens, she said, because the chemical (oxytocin) released during breast feeding is the same one released during sex.

Carrie and bun on Mother's Day.
We're officially in our third trimester!

The nurse also shared much helpful advice about breastfeeding, including demonstrations of various positions for the deed, such as the common cradle position, the useful football position (she struck a Heisman pose with her baby doll), and the elusive Australian position, which she claimed she only saw once, at Disney World. One dad in the class noted that the Australian seems to be what the mom on the cover of this week's TIME is utilizing.

The nurse also recommended not bathing our babies too often, since the newborn is not going to get very dirty, except for the places (mouth, hands, butt) that we're going to be wiping all the time. "Your baby is not a construction worker," she said.

At first, she added, we should only give the baby sponge baths. But once the umbilical stump falls off, full baths will be OK. She warned us about the odor produced by the umbilical stump.

"It smells like rotting flesh ... because it is rotting flesh."