"In the End, You Win the Prize"

Last night we attended the second of two classes at the hospital, called "Labor Day" and "Labor Therapies."

A helpful laminated poster showed us
what to expect during the stages of labor

Taught by a silver-haired nurse with 48 years of experience ("Now we have computers; that's a new thing," she said), the classes brought two of the women in our classes to tears, as the abstract concept of childbirth became more real.

The classes taught us useful tidbits (when to go to the hospital, a short overview of breathing techniques) and included a demonstration of the mechanics of delivery using a baby doll and stuffed pelvis.

Overall, though, the nurse spent much of the five hours imparting her own brand of homespun wisdom. Here are some choice quotes:

"I don't make no bones: labor hurts."

"It's work. A lot of things in life are work."

Holding up a plastic model of dilation, she helpfully clarified: "Your cervix is not plastic."

"The floor of the vagina is the roof of the rectum."

On childbirth: "It's wet business."

On the benefit of breathing techniques during contractions: "When we're distracted, we're not thinking 'uterus.'"

"Gentlemen, you don't have to push - because your pushing is not going to help the baby."

The nurse advised us not to blame our child for years to come if labor is difficult or doesn't go as we planned. "It's not the baby's fault if you have a hard labor."

In some cases, she said, breastfeeding is hard because a woman might have flat nipples. "Sometimes you have great equipment and the baby is just lazy."

"The milk comes in such cute containers."

"I hope ladies planning to breastfeed weren't turned off by the ladies in TIME magazine with their bazoombas hanging out, breastfeeding eight-year-old babies."

The nurse reminded us not to get frustrated if the baby doesn't interact much at first: "Keep in mind, newborns are little lumps."

"No matter what choices you make, in the end you win the prize - a son or daughter."

"It is real. There is a baby at the end of this."

"Your Baby Is Not a Construction Worker"

A sign we saw en route to "Baby Beginnings" class.
Despite the misspelling, it echoed my feelings exactly.

There are some scary things that could go wrong with a newborn, but many other things that could - and likely will - go weird.

We went to our first birth class at Delaware County Memorial Hospital last night, titled "Baby Beginnings." It lasted two-and-a-half-hours, about 30 minutes of which were a blow-by-blow of ways a newborn baby might look funky (white flakes, white spots, dented head, blue hands, etc.) which were illustrated with visual aides from the 1980s.

The spunky and hilarious nurse (a mother of four, herself) who taught the class shared hard facts along with her "mama-knowledge," such as the advice for moms to wear a bra the first time she has sex with her partner. Otherwise, she said, prepare for your partner to get sprayed with breast milk. (Her impersonation of the noises and gestures her husband made while unexpectedly doused in coitus-induced breast milk was the comic highlight of the class.) This happens, she said, because the chemical (oxytocin) released during breast feeding is the same one released during sex.

Carrie and bun on Mother's Day.
We're officially in our third trimester!

The nurse also shared much helpful advice about breastfeeding, including demonstrations of various positions for the deed, such as the common cradle position, the useful football position (she struck a Heisman pose with her baby doll), and the elusive Australian position, which she claimed she only saw once, at Disney World. One dad in the class noted that the Australian seems to be what the mom on the cover of this week's TIME is utilizing.

The nurse also recommended not bathing our babies too often, since the newborn is not going to get very dirty, except for the places (mouth, hands, butt) that we're going to be wiping all the time. "Your baby is not a construction worker," she said.

At first, she added, we should only give the baby sponge baths. But once the umbilical stump falls off, full baths will be OK. She warned us about the odor produced by the umbilical stump.

"It smells like rotting flesh ... because it is rotting flesh."